Welcome to the Roller Coaster Ride
by holygoof101
Summary: After the longest walk of her life, life goes on for the living. Post The Break-Up and into the future ONESHOT.


A/N: I've been tinkering with this concept for about a week but finally kinda sortish put itself together and then wouldn't go away. I don't particularly like to write from Rachel's perspective but this doesn't really work otherwise soo... Sorry if it's awful. For reasons probably no one who's reading this will catch onto (or care about) this one is a little more personal and the one person would catch them will probably never read it (But in case he is, I love you and this one's yours and don't ever tell me again I don't remember things). There's more than one song that sound tracked this but (for a reason) the title comes from Georgia by Hanson. If you read that and still make it through all like 6000 rambling unproofed words of this I'll give you a cookie or a beer… Not really… But maybe.

00000

It's the longest walk of her life. Longer than the walk off the stage when they lost at Nationals junior year, longer than the walk with him from the car to the train to New York.

Kissing him and walking out of the auditorium, kissing him and walking away from him, it's the longest walk of her life. And it takes everything in her to hold it all together because she can't turn around and walk back to him. No matter how badly her heart hurts, no matter how much she thinks he needs her and she knows she wants him, she can't turn around and walk back to him because it wouldn't be doing either of them any favors. She can't allow him to crutch on her; he has to figure out his place, and what he really wants. And he has to do that for himself, not for his deceased father, or for her, has to figure out what's best for him. So she has to walk out of his life, at least for now. Maybe for forever, because she can't keep living her life waiting on him. Her head's not held high but she can't turn around and go back in, it wouldn't be fair to either of them.

By the time she gets to the airport she's questioning why it hurts so badly when she knows in her heart she did the right thing. She can't will the tears to stop falling from the corners of her eyes; she can only wipe them away as soon as they start to fall.

The hand of an elderly stranger sitting next to her lands on her shoulder. "Honey, whatever it's not that bad. Life goes on for the living."

She sucks in a sniffle and forces a smile at the woman. Life goes on. It's not the first time she's ever heard that. It's what people say when bad things happen and they don't have any other words. Get a bad grade, life goes on. Lose a competition, life goes on. Break up with a boyfriend, life goes on. It's the "for the living," part that throws her off. But it's accurate. She's not going to crawl up and die. This isn't the end of her life. Living, being alive, really alive it's why she broke up with Finn and walked out of that auditorium tonight. Because they both have lives to life and right now they can't do that together. Life goes on for the living. As cliché as it all sounds, it's exactly what she needed to hear.

"Yes," she says as she sucks in the last sniffle and straights up, raising her head. "Yes, it does."

00000

As soon as she's home from New York she prints up a piece of paper and tapes in to the refrigerator as a daily reminder.

"Life goes on for the living."

00000

Walking away from him doesn't mean she can just cut off all contact with him. He's still her man. He's still Finn. And walking away from him doesn't mean she can just stop caring. Or that she can just jump into something with someone else. She can't and she doesn't on either front. So she periodically checks on him, and they occasionally talk on the phone. She wants him to be okay, even though she knows he's not and she's not completely okay either no matter how much she tries to tell him she is.

The difference is that he's still lost. She's mess a without him but she's not lost. And she's not sure the communication they keep having is healthy for either of them. And there's a glaring note on her fridge that says "Life goes on for the living." So she has to life and let him live. She throws herself into school and Broadway and accomplishing everything she's been after her whole life and he's volunteering at McKinley. And seems to really like that, or at least that's what he tells her and she really hopes that it will help him figure everything out for himself. Slowly but surely over time the phone calls and text messages 'just to check in,' start to dwindle. And time starts to move really fast.

Before she knows it's the end of her first year at NYADA and she's singing at the school's last recital of the year. It's a special performance for freshman students that have shown outstanding potential. Kurt's taken time off from his work with Vogue to cheer her on. There's a small bit of melancholy over the fact that he's not up there with her to sing, but he's happy with his new calling and in New York with her, so she can't be too sad. And Brody's there too clapping as loudly as anyone as she finishes her song. He's clapping because he understands how flawless her number was, and because he's proud of her. After the final bows she leaps off stage and into his waiting arms while he tells her how amazing she is and how they'll be a Broadway dream team together and New York City won't know what hit it when they're finished with it.

"I won't ever be finished with New York," she says as she kisses him. She knows his words weren't meant to be taken literally, but it doesn't matter. She won't ever be finished with New York, or the feeling she feels right then. She's on fire and alive and she never wants it to end.

It's not until late, after their celebration has ended and once she's slipped out of Brody's arms to get something to drink in the early hours of the morning before sunrise, that the note of the refrigerator door reminds her of Finn. He wasn't there and she didn't even think about calling him to share the moment. Month ago a pang of guilt would have shot through her but it doesn't happen this time. "We're both living our lives." She says quietly to herself as she returns to the bed before Brody wakes.

00000

It's literally the day after he graduates from NYADA that Brody breaks up with her. Graduations suck. She never thought she's use such harsh language for something that is supposed to be such a happy occasion. However for her it seems that graduations will never have happy memories attached. "My future just isn't in New York anymore and yours is."

He probably meant that to be comforting but all it does is break her heart even more. It's not like Brody had some big future in L.A. or any other places amazing and special. He got a steady job as on board talent on a cruise ship. That's not an amazing starting off point to a great performance career. That is where performers go at the end of their careers, that's where they die and admit failure. It's even below trying to make your name on reality television. She's better than that. And she tells Brody all of those things before he walks away. She spits venom at him like she's a pro, (Ms July would be proud of her) but it doesn't make her feel better. She's still crushed and she begins to feel like the only man she'll ever love with a future in New York is Kurt.

And she tells Kurt that as she cries into his lap completely heartbroken.

"Well I love you too, and we'd be a perfect match if I weren't gay and we weren't practically the same person. I mean if we really had to deal with the romantic aspects could you imagine how many times we'd have already had the cops called on us? We're ready to scratch each other's faces off over the bathroom mirror."

The statement makes her laugh, but it's true. They'd never work. Just like she and Brody would have never worked in the real long term. But it doesn't mean it hurts any less. Or that she's going to stop crying over him and it's all she can do not to sob even harder into Kurt's lap.

"Life goes on for the living," he whispers as he strokes her hair. He's right, and so was the elderly lady in the airport that originally said that to her. This isn't the worst heartbreak she's ever felt, it's not even close. She's still got two years at NYADA left to live and starting tomorrow she's going to stop crying and start living again.

0000

She graduates NYADA with a leading off Broadway role lined up but she skips walking the stage for her NYADA graduation. Her younger self would have never missed out of receiving such accolades from family friends but she's not her younger self. She's content to have a quiet dinner with her dads and Kurt and celebrate with those that have been her constant support.

Halfway through their dinner celebrate she gets a text message from Finn. It's been so long it almost surprises her to see his name.

"Congratulations. There was never any doubt. You're really a star now. Burn bright." She smiles to herself and wonders how he knew, but that question is quickly answers when Kurt nods to her phone and asks why she's smiling. He knows why and she knows he knows. She wants to text him back, acknowledge she received his message and get involve in some long overdue catching up. It's not the first time she's had the thought of catching up either, but just like every other time, not just isn't the time. She's about to do it anyway when her dad orders another bottle of champagne and insists on a toast. She tucks her phone back into her purse and insists to herself that later will be the right time.

0000

She's late. And running late is in the top three things she hates most in the life. In fact running late to a rehearsal is number one on that list. It's really not her fault the power went out and reset all the clocks in their apartment but that doesn't matter. It is still her fault. She should have remembered to set her cell phone alarm just in case. However she didn't so running late is her own fault.

"Kurt I'm leaving! I'll see you tonight." She yells towards his bedroom before she's even completely out of the bathroom.

She grabs her keys and hopes she can make it to the subway station without having to wait because if she has to wait she will be very, very late. The thought of being very late makes her rush even more and she's about to start running when she flings the door open only to have it bounce back at her as her ears are met with the sound of a groan and a curse. It takes her a second to realize that she's just hit someone with her apartment door, and a second longer for her to process that the person she's just hit with the door is, "Finn?!" And even though his name leaves her mouth like a question she's fully aware that it's him standing in front of the door rubbing a spot on his head.

"Hey. In a hurry?" His comes out as a groan from the pain and shock of being hit with the door she's sure. What she's not sure of is why was even there to be hit with the door.

"Actually I am but Kurt's inside go on in." She's rushing through her words. And it's really not because she's in a hurry. He hasn't just shown up at her apartment since... Since the last time he just showed up and she doesn't want to think about how well that didn't go. And she really doesn't have time to dwell on it right now either. This time she's going to amuse he's there to see Kurt, flash him a smile and a wave and leave then put the fact that he's at her apartment out of her mind. This is exactly what she does. She flashes him a smile and a wave and starts making her way down the stairs to the street and onto the train. The only part she can't follow through with is putting him out of her mind. She's never been able to follow through with that and now that she knows he's at her apartment but doesn't know why, putting him out of her mind is all but impossible.

0000

Erasing him from her mind really had proved impossible. It only got worse after she got a text message from Kurt telling her to meet them at a bar near the apartment after rehearsal. The whole situation threw her off, she missed counts, blew notes, and by the time it was over she was surprised she wasn't being replaced. She hated that it affected her that way, and it wasn't going to happen again. The only reason she's even walking into this bar to meet them right now is to get him out of her system and assure it never happens again.

"Rachel!" Kurt yells and waves her to the table as she walks towards them.

It's obviously to her that he and Finn have both been drinking, which only adds to her anxiety over the potential of the situation being more awkward that her encounter with Finn that morning. However Kurt's drunkenness proves to be more of a saving grace as he begins to fill in all the blanks for her. It's a slight relief to know that Finn wasn't in New York to see her. He had merely finished his degree from Purdue and had managed to secure a summer internship working with inner city kids at a community center.

"There's a job waiting on me in Ohio but you can't get much more inner city than Harlem. It'll look good on grad school applications." Finn manages to insert during Kurt's rambling on about his brother's recent accomplishment.

"Oh we're going to see Wicked tomorrow, we could get another ticket!" Kurt slaps at her leg, "Don't you want Finn to come?!" He says practically leaping out of his seat before he stops and holds up his hand at Finn, "Wait I'm sorry I forgot Rachel doesn't just take anyone to see Wicked. You have to be worthy."

Somehow the night got completely awkward without her even saying ten words. She's going to blame Kurt for this, and later remind him why she always puts him on a three drink limit.

"And I'm not worthy because I haven't been living in New York right?" Finn mouth is curled in a smile that doesn't even hint at disappointment. But the way he's looking at her...

The way he's looking at her makes her feel like she's back in high school, nervously avoiding making too much eye contact because she can't let on to how much she likes him. He's the only boy who's ever made her feel that way. And there's a piece of her that would still invite him to the end of the world with her if he'd show up. But she's not that doe eyed girl anymore, they're not teenagers, and they're not even the same people they were back then.

"It's not that. It's a special place to me. I don't go see Wicked with just anyone. I've really only ever been inside that theatre with Kurt, and the first time was when I realized that my dreams were a reality. So I can't just go with whomever. Childish superstition I guess."

"I get that." He nods and finishes off the last of his beer. There's no hurt or disappointment in his voice. She wonders to herself if that's because even after all these years he still gets her.

She presses a smile at him and nervously tucks her hair behind her ears as she opens her mouth to say something at the same time that Kurt tumbles off his barstool. The three off them have a good laugh as Finn pulls Kurt up and leans him against her.

"You gonna need help with him?"

She shakes her head, "No, it's happened before. He's just excited to see you but we should get home. Come Kurt." She pushes him off his stool as they all stand.

"Yeah I forget you two have been living together long enough now. I can only imagine what the 21sts were like."

"They were magical!" Kurt yells as he begins skipping down the street towards. Their apartment.

Rachel looks back at Finn watching him pushes his hands into his pockets, shaking his head and laughing. "I'll see you guys around." He nods before he starts walking in the opposite direction.

"See you around Finn," Her eyes stay on him as he begins walking, his head is up and she thinks he might be whistling to himself as he walks. She might be able to hear if him whistling if Kurt weren't trying to wake up the entire block with his drunken rendition of New York, New York that prevents her from dazing away as she watches Finn walk off.

0000

Weeks go by without a word from Finn. Kurt hasn't even heard from him. She knows this because she manages to occasionally bring it up in conversation only to get the same response.

"He's just busy with his internship. I'm sure the worst kids in Ohio don't even hold a candle to inner city Harlem kids. Maybe I should call him and volunteer wardrobe help. It's a sad fact those children think that style of clothing is cool. It's not even acceptable."

She's tells herself she's not dwelling on the fact that he hasn't called. She's just noticing. Of course she shouldn't expect him to call her; he has no ties or reason. But he could at least call Kurt occasionally. He could at least let them know he's safe. Not them, Kurt. He could at least let his own brother know he's safe in the city. He could be dead for all they know. Of course if he were dead they would have to know. The police would have contacted his mother and certainly she would have contacted Kurt.

She's so lost in these thoughts she somehow manages to break the sink she's standing over and is met with the harsh spray of water in her face. The water keeps spraying no matter what she seems to do and the last thing she wants to do is flood their apartment. The super's number is taped to the refrigerator, right under the yellowed piece of paper she taped onto it years ago. She should call the super he could be there in minutes, but if she calls the super they may never get their security deposit back. And while she knows that she ruined the chance of getting the deposit back years ago when she almost burned the entire building back, that's a fact she's going to ignore because the yellowed piece of paper above the supers number reminds her that there's someone else in New York she knows that is fairly handy with a wrench.

She doesn't know where Finn's living but it can't be far because it doesn't take him too long to show up at the apartment.

"Damsel in distress. I'm not sure how you managed to complete dislodge to facet but be glad my roommate had tools," he laughs as he hovers over the kitchen sink.

She bites her lip at the sound of his laugh; it's so familiar and foreign at the same time. "Me either. I got lost in my thoughts."

"Must have been some thoughts. I'm sorry I haven't been by I've just been absorbed and lost in the days. Time moves really fast here."

She doesn't say anything back, all she can do is shrug. She can't admit she's wanted him to call or stop by. She can't admit she's missed him. And she sure as hell can't admit that think about him and why he hasn't been by was how she managed to get so lost in thought she broke the sink.

It doesn't take him long to fix the sink. Apparently whatever she did to it was "an easy fix." He declines when she offers to compensate his time, but she expected that so in lieu she offers to take him for a meal on Tuesday. It's her only day off, and while she has other things that need to be accomplished that day there is a cafe down the street from her apartment if he's willing to meet her there. She doesn't expect him to accept that offer either and is slightly taken a back when he accepts.

"I'll see you Tuesday." He waves as he makes her way out the front door.

She fights back the smile that froces its way onto her face. "I'll see you Tuesday, Finn." She whispers to herself as she leans against the front door.

000

It doesn't surprise her when he shows up at 8pm on the dot. He's always been a man of his word. She isn't going to tell him she's been there waiting since 7:30 but that probably wouldn't surprise him either. There's a history between them and some things, like punctuality, don't change with time.

It's not a date. And nothing special happens. They eat, and have a couple of drinks and talk. Lots and lots of talking. Maybe she's wrong to think nothing special happens because it's the first time since she's known him that he talks more than she does. He tells her all about directing Grease at McKinley and how that made him realize he was really good at being a leader and calling the shots. How for a minute he thought maybe directing was his calling but felt like it was something more than that. He wanted to give kids something he never had which was direction and how he felt like he could do that best by going into social worker and working with kids that didn't have parents or guidance. How he didn't ever think he'd want to do a job like Ms Pilsbury's but then he realized what she actually did, she was supposed to give guidance, direct people to the right path.

"Sounds kind of stupid right? The guy who couldn't even figure out on his own what he wanted to be wants to help guide kids to their path." He let's out a self depreciating laugh as he finishes and she doesn't like that. That laugh almost pains her.

"Not at all Finn," she shakes her head at him and starts to reach for his hand. "You have always been a leader. As the quarterback, in glee club, you've always been a leader. Leader's guide people. It doesn't sound stupid. It sounds perfect. It sounds like you've finally figured it out."

She watches as his eyes light up a bit before he blinks it away and smiles at her. "Yeah, never thought about it that way, we should do this again. Eat and hang out. We're both really busy but-"

"This has been really nice but I can't-"

"You can't make any commitments. Not like a date." He cuts her off. " Hell I'm not asking you to marry me."

"You did once." The word leave her mouth before she even gets a chance to stop them and there's a split second of worry before he starts to laugh and she joins him. He did ask her to marry him once and they can laugh about it not because they were kids that shouldn't have even been thinking about marriage back then. "I'm free on Tuesday nights." She tells him.

"I'll see you then."

0000

The following Tuesday he shows up at 8pm on the dot again. And the Tuesday after that and the Tuesday after that. And it becomes a regular thing for them to have dinner together every Tuesday.

It's not a weekly date in the sense of dating. But is gives them a chance to talk. She talks about New York and NYADA and living with Kurt. He talks about his days in Lima and community college then his time at Purdue. It's a weekly chance to get caught up on all that long overdue catching up.

When Kurt questions her on what it all means she simply explains it the only way she can. It's just their weekly thing.

000

Even though Finn's in New York and they have dinner once a week, Rachel doesn't stop living her life. The piece of paper she taped to the fridge is barely hanging on after years of abuse from food and water and everything else, but it's still there and she's still reminded life goes on for the living. Which means she can't stop living just because Finn's around and she can't start living her life around him either. And she's not going to and their weekly dinners are proof she doesn't have to either. New York is a big city and they are both free to live as they please.

She's reminding herself of this as she's applying her mascara in the mirror after rehearsal. She's only reminding herself of this because her standing dinner date with Finn is the whole reason she told the new understudy that asked her out they would have to go out after the show on a Monday because she has standing plans Tuesday evenings and would not risk sacrificing her voice in order to go out with him any other night. He agreed to the terms, so she agreed to go have drinks with him tonight. She's not desperate and this isn't the first time she's been on a date, so her only hopes are that he doesn't expect too much from her. She hasn't been a prude in her adult life but she still maintains a certain set of standards and those standards certainly forbid her from fooling around with a potential co star on the first date.

"Rachel, there's pizza." Kurt knocks on the bathroom door just as she places the cap back on her mascara.

"Actually I have a date," she says casually as she walks out not expecting anyone but Kurt to be in the living room. She momentarily freezes as she see Finn in the kitchen pulling paper plates from the cabinet. His head spins around as soon as she finishes her sentence and she manages to unfreeze and look away before they have a catch eye contact. "I'm gone." She walks to the couch and kisses the top of Kurt's head before she grabs her purse.

The corner of her eye catches a quick glimpse of Finn's reaction. She can't be fully sure because she grabs her purse and all but runs out the door, but she thinks there was a clear sign of venom and jealousy. However it's not like she hasn't been on dates since Finn's been around and he has to know she hasn't been celibate just in case they ever get back together. They've both had relationships since they broke up and they're both adults now. She tells herself that's what she might have seen in his reaction, maybe even that's what she saw because that's what she wanted to see. No matter what she's going to convince herself his look of jealousy was an illusions, even if she knows she's lying to herself and doesn't want to think about how she would feel if tonight were the other way around.

0000

Her date was a complete bust. He tried far too hard to impress her, and when he stopped trying to impress her he just got way too drunk. So she grabbed a cab and headed home.

Maybe it's her fault she thinks as she walks the step to her door. She could have been a bit more attentive, but it's not entirely her fault she wasn't. If Finn hadn't been at her apartment she wouldn't have had his face on her mind. Out of sight, out of mind is an art she's perfected. Not that it was entirely by choice, it was more an art perfected out of survival. But it's still his fault. It's his fault she had to perfect that art and it's his fault she failed at it tonight. She sincerely hopes that her date makes it to the theatre on time come Wednesday, even though she has her doubts he will. All she wants to do is go inside and curl up in bed with Kurt and tell him all about her horrible date that was over before it really even began.

Her voice echoes through the apartment and back at her as she walks in. There's two paper plates with grease stains on the coffee table but no sign of Kurt. And no sign of Finn. She sighs as she picks up the remote and curls up under the blanket on the couch. If Kurt's not here to fix it then Barbra and Funny Girl will have to do.

She falls asleep somewhere between I'm the Greatest Star and People only to be (coincidentally she's sure) woken up during My Man, by Kurt opening the door before Finn barrels through it and into the apartment. Finns heads straight for the bathroom and Kurts shrugs apologetically.

"Sorry to wake you. He's drunk. Well we're both drunk but I'm a little drunk. He's really drunk. He doesn't need to be on the streets alone. I told him he could sleep on the couch."

"That's fine. I should go to bed anyway." She nods.

"You okay in there?" Kurt knocks on the bathroom door and doesn't wait for an answer before he makes off to his bed.

She's gathering her blanket and trying to clear herself from the couch when the bathroom door slings open and Finn's standing over her.

"I'm fucking in love with you." He slurs before she has a chance to move. "I've been in love with you since I was sixteen and that never changed. And I get it. I didn't know who the fuck I really was or what I was going to do with my life. But that doesn't mean I wasn't in love with you. And it really pisses me off that you had to leave me for me to figure out who I am and what I wanted to do with my life. It pisses me off because it just made me love you more."

He pauses to steady himself against the couch. She knows she should same something in this split second when she has the the chance. But there's a lump in her throat that won't let her talk or move. Or stop him, which is what she should do because she knows in the morning he probably won't remember anything he says to her tonight. And that's why she's going to let him keep talking since he's the talker of the two of them now.

"You are the same girl I feel in love with. This bright shining star. And I know you. You might think that I don't because we've grown and there's been time and stuff. But you haven't change who you are. And who you are, it's exactly who I've always known. It's the same girl I've always believed it. I knew you were a star when no one else could see it except you and me. I've changed though. I'm not the lost boy you knew. I am a man now. I have it figured out. And I know who I am and what I want. I'm a man who's ready. and I still love you. And it's my job to direct people so I'm directing. Stop going out on crappy dates, no one's worthy of you. Not even me. I'll never be because no one will ever be. But I'm here, and I still know you, and I love you and-" His hands fail wildly in the arm as he speaks but his eyes are bearing down onto her, like he wants to find a way to burn the words into her mind. But he doesn't have to burn the words into her mind because they've always been there.

"And I'm going to throw up." He mutters as he breaks away and heads back for the bathroom.

She would find the moment comical if it weren't a God sent because as soon as he heads for the bathroom she heads for her bedroom with a lot to digest.

000

Sleep isn't really an option because her mind won't stop racing. And she can't stop thinking about his words. Being in New York, she always thought she had become different. She never thought of herself as the same girl she was when she left Lima. Except the one person who's always known her said she was. But it doesn't really count when it's the one person (aside from her dads) who's always thought she was something special. Maybe she hasn't changed but he has. He's changed. He's sure of himself. Sure of his direction. She's so unbelievably proud of that, even if despite his drunken insistence, she didn't have much to do with him finding his direction she's still proud of him.

He's grown up without and still insists he loves her. Drunken words she knows but it's still a lot of digest even without wondering where it puts them now.

0000

It's Tuesday and she's sitting at their table a half an hour early as always. It's their thing, their standing Tuesday night dinner. She's just not sure he's going to show up tonight. He was gone this morning before she woke up. And she hasn't heard anything from him since his drunken confession the night before. She can only assume his disappearing act before morning light and the lack of any communication today means he remembers more of last night than he wants. He's always been a man of his word but she's not sure he's going to keep his word tonight. In fact she doesn't expect him to at all this time.

It's five after eight and she's about to the check for her iced tea and leave when a shadow casts over her.

"Sorry I miss my train. Am I too late?" His face is unshaved and hands are tucked inside his pockets as he speaks with a sheepish shrug. She shakes her head at him as he sits down. "Last night I-"

"Do you want to go see Wicked with me Sunday?" It's rude to cut someone off but the words just come tumbling out of her.

His eyebrows narrow and his face crinkles in confusion at her question. "I thought you only went to see that with special people? Thought it's like a special thing for you."

"It is. And I've never asked or brought anyone but Kurt, until now." She answers softly and watches as his mouth curls at the edges both breaking into that goofy lopsided grin she knows all too well. The grin that tells her the man that sits in front of her now is still the same boy she fell in love with.

0000

He walked into her life as an unsure boy in a high school auditorium singing a Grease song on a Tuesday afternoon. Three years later she walked away from him in that very same auditorium. Now she walks to him as he walks into her New York City apartment as a man holding flowers on a Sunday afternoon.

The first time he walked into her life she unexpectedly grabbed him and held onto his hand as she sang hoping he's never get away, only for her to be the one who left. This time his hand is willing as she takes it and they leave together and make their way to the train.

It's a long walk from the subway exit to the theatre. She knows because she's walked it before. But this time it's different. They talk and they laugh. It's the shortest walk of her life and she doesn't want it to end. And she's realizes walks with him will always be too short, and walks away from him always too long. So she's done walking away.


End file.
